Sidewalk Cafe

Mike describes his first impressions of Natchez, Mississippi, from its downtown cafe.

Good morning, this is Mike George coming to you from beautiful Natchez, Mississippi. I’ve just enjoyed a fabulous night at the Grand Hotel Presidential Suite — and before you judge, I’m technically homeless, so your support for Crimson House is actually helping fight homelessness right here in the US. Look, I’m an honest person, but I hate waste, so I don't feel bad about squatting in an unoccupied hotel room. If you have a problem with that, feel free to head over to my website and leave a message in the “KAREN” section for people who care about the wrong things.

I’ll be the first to admit I’ve broken a few laws lately. I’ve done some shoplifting at Walmart, but honestly, they make it too easy when they replace all the cashiers with us. Plus, I only did it to replace things that the local police department is currently holding in custody. It’s hilarious because the police department here closes on the weekends, so they’re basically playing "bagman" for me, keeping my 50-pound backpack and messenger bag safe until Monday. I just hope my friends and I smoked all the weed in those bags before they took them, because I have zero expectations that they won't pillage my stuff.

Life on the road has its perks, though. My hair is getting so long that it’s officially longer than my mother’s, which is a win considering my dad was bald by 40. When the Lord gives you lemons, you make spiced lemonade — and maybe add some liquor if you’ve been praying hard enough. It’s about 15 degrees and gorgeous here in Natchez, while I see on the news that New Hampshire is hitting a -108°F windchill. I’m staying south because nobody has time for that kind of cold.

Being homeless really opens your eyes to the unfettered capitalism in this country. I heard a story about a woman in Boston paying $4,000 a month for a 2-bedroom apartment while complaining about the homeless population. I had to remind her that at those prices, the homeless people are probably Harvard students. I’d much rather use my ingenuity to improvise my way through the day than pay that kind of rent.

I’m also working on Crimson Rouge Studios. You can check out our fundraising page at pobby.com—and yes, donations are tax-deductible because we are a 501c3 organization. Whether you want to give money to the Lord or to me, it’s all going to a good cause.

I’ll leave you with this: Facebook is worse than cigarettes. I’m sitting here with my vape, reclaiming my time like Maxine Waters, while the birds are chirping their Sunday songs. You guys are being quiet today, so go get some coffee and wake up. Take care of yourselves, and take care of somebody else.