Mall-side Moonlit Musing
Reporting "live on tape," Mike takes a nighttime walk around the Alexandria Mall, estimating the distance of the 25,000 steps his phone has recorded, before taking the opportunity to admire the distant lightning and full moon of the night sky.
All right, this is Mike George coming at you "live on tape." I’ve always found that phrase to be a bit of an oxymoron—like a joke Stephen Colbert would make—because if it's on tape, it isn't exactly "live" in real-time, is it? Regardless, here I am in Alexandria, just doing my usual rounds and trying my best not to get run over by people driving around town.
I was actually hoping to give you guys a proper POV shot today, but for some reason, this "sophisticated" iPhone won't let me flip the camera to the front angle while I'm already talking. It’s absurd that we have all this high-tech software but haven't figured out a simple flip button—much like we haven't figured out how to build sidewalks in this town in the year 2022. Since I can’t find the button, I’m just going to have to flip the phone around the manual way and hope you can see what I see.
It’s a beautiful, brisk day—probably about 17 to 20 degrees out—and I’m currently walking past my unofficial sponsor, Tropical Smoothie Cafe. A lovely girl named Britney used to work there and treated me well during some of the darkest days of my life; I’ll definitely miss this place when I’m gone. Right next door is the Planet Fitness. I’ve never actually been inside, but I’m tempted to walk in just to see if that "lunk alert" siren they show in the commercials is actually a real thing.
I’d wager I’ve taken about 25,000 steps today. Being an engineer, I tried to do the math to convert that to miles, assuming about two feet per step, but I hit a wall when I realized I couldn't remember how many feet are in a mile. I started singing "Seasons of Love" from Rent—you know, the "525,600 minutes" song—but that didn't help with the distance. That’s what happens when you’ve smoked a bit too much weed in your life; you forget your basic imperial conversions., Honestly, the imperial system is nonsense anyway—I use Celsius for temperature, but we’re all still stuck using feet and inches for everything else.
Anyway, look at that sky! There’s a stunning full moon out tonight, and I can see lightning flashing in the distance., It’s the best kind of weather—lightning without the inconvenience of rain—though standing in the middle of this Dillard’s parking lot probably makes me a prime target for a strike. I just saw a guy almost get run over by a car, but thankfully everyone survived; that’s one fewer pedestrian fatality for me to bitch about in the Alexandria Town Talk.
Because this "Mickey Mouse" intersection has no crosswalks and I’m tired of looking at my own face, I’m going to stop this broadcast and restart it with the front camera so you can actually see the view.
