Final Soiree

Mike kicks back with his new friend Robert and throws an impromptu soiree to commemorate the final days of Crimson House Alexandria, as his eviction date draws ominously near…

Happy Friday, y'all. I'm Mike George, coming at you live from what is very likely to be our last night together here in Crimson House Alexandria. My voice is shot and my patience... well, I don't think I even need to put those in words anymore. Nobody watches this because Facebook is so shady with how it distributes material. This has probably been one of the most frustrating and yes, difficult days in my life. Welcome to the grief process.

I want to be sincere about this next part because I obviously take Mental Health very seriously. There's an older gentleman in my house that is probably in need of the space, actually. He’s one of the flaky homeless guys I was talking about the other day. Fuck, I'm exhausted enough to not give a fuck about the source.

I'm a big fan of "show, don't tell". I'm an analytical person, an engineer, a scientist, whatever you want to call it. I am *not* unemployed! Crimson R Studios is a fucking job! It says right on the top of my profile: Executive Director of Crimson R Studios. I'm going to demonstrate in real time the sort of example—we'll call this a case study—of me trying to have a conversation with anybody in this town.

I'm grateful for him. He's a possibly homeless man who’s just been crashing here. Anybody that can hold a conversation for more than 5 seconds and actually shows up, you win.

Well, this is Bobby!

Bobby:
Hold on, let me put on my jacket. Everybody gonna think we're gay and I don't give a fuck what all you motherfucker say!

Mike:
Wait a second. Be nice, be kind, okay? Let's start off with kindness, okay? I told you I like that jacket. You better keep that jacket!

Bobby:
Should I paint my toenails pink? It doesn't make me gay, that just means I'm getting rid of fungus.

Mike:
Can I pause you? My question is: would you rather be considered gay or straight?

Bobby:
I’d rather be fucking happy, so gay.

Mike:
Gay actually means happy.

Bobby:
I got something to say to the world. We’re gonna get 900 billion views!

Mike:
That's a cliché to even say that. You’re lucky if you get like 10, at least on this one.

(noticing cigarette in Bobby’s hand)
Hey, if that’s a cigarette, that does not happen here.

Is it a Black and Mild? Oh… I can do Black and Mild in here.

Bobby:
Bob’s in town, back from Nashville, Tennessee, and I got a party of goddamn money but my debts are out of gas!

Mike:
Story of all of our lives. If I had a dime for how many times I've heard that before, I would have paid my rent by now.

Bobby:
I wrote a song. It’s called "Day After Day I Just Keep On Getting Further Away." I’m Blinded By the Light. We need more sponsors!

Mike:
I wish we had sponsors. I would have a twink in here right now helping me out with this bullshit.

Bobby: You know where my son went?

Mike: No, I don't think I moved anything.

Bobby: I'm going to kill him tonight!

Mike: Careful, I did that one time on camera and that's what got me into the Wellness police at Portland.

Bobby: All right, I’m ready for the show.

Mike: The show’s already started, darling. You're this just is the show.

Bobby: I'm late! Well, hold on a minute, let me get a shot of fucking courage. What’s your shot glasses?

**Host (Mike George):** I don’t have shot glasses, I’m sorry. I’m a stoner, not an alcoholic.

Bobby: The shotgun sings a song! I got a new song coming out. It’s called "Day After Day Perfect Lady and I Just Keep On Getting Further, Further and Away." It’s coming out on January 1st.

Mike: Oh, January 1st is a terrible day for a release date.

Bobby: We got free radio, Edis. Well, I'll be the spokesperson for Bottoms Up. Don't try to bump into that table!

Mike: Just do you know what, everything, including the bong, kids. We’ll keep it away from the kids, yes. God damn it, I haven’t even smoked.

Bobby: Vote for Joe Biden! Why not send me some goddamn money? Tell me why you're voting for Joe Biden. What do you have that’s better?

Mike: I'd rather have a goddamn ant or a gorilla monkey for the fucking president. This is performance art, guys.

Bobby: I keep my pistol in my pocket, my money in the safe.

Mike: There are kids and drag queens watching now.

Bobby: Dennis Rodman!

Mike: Dennis Rodman is not a drag queen, I'm sorry. You cannot just ruin your hair and then call yourself a drag queen.

Bobby: I'm pissed off the United States Air Force because they won't sell me a slightly used Flying Saucer with warp drive!

Mike: Girl, you are already off this planet, congratulations.

**Host (Mike George):** *(Addressing Bobby about being courteous)* You haven't given me any reason to be. I remember, you do look Wonderful Tonight. Let's play some music, shall we?

Bobby: Can I pick a song or do you pick the song first?

Mike: We're not going to play that fucking game. We're at my house; it's my fucking songs all the way.

Bobby: Can I fucking choose what I drink and what I smoke?

Mike:
Have a seat, relax. You're making me anxious with all this standing up. Look, I had ants in my pants. I know, that's why I'm encouraging you to sit the fuck down.

I’m glad you appreciated that. I'm determined to stay on that path. I’ve gotten pretty good at actually traversing topics in a conversation in some sort of logical straight line. Hey, look at Bobby, make a wish.

Bobby: We're wasting time. What the fuck is time? Tell me that. I’m stretching the fuck out.

Mike: Oh yes, one of my Asian friends is watching, which means my mom’s going to find out about this video.

Bobby: Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call somebody who fucking cares. You know where a pay phone is?

Mike: We're literally on a phone right now. I figured if you didn't like Joe Biden, you probably like Obama.

Bobby: I don't like Biden either. We like Reagan. George W. Bush.

Mike: That's a cliché too.

Bobby:
I got new good news for y'all, Mexico, Canada, we're all joining the same fucking team. Paper sucks. I can burn my fucking money, don't mean shit to me. Don thinks he’s going to print $500 bills with his picture on a $500 bill! I got a goddamn Broken Arrow.

We're going to talk about the government, we're going to talk about music, we're going to talk about Russia. I'm going to shut the fuck up.

Mike: Russia has no government, they have Putin.

**Host (Mike George):** All right, I'm going to play some King of the Hill now. You’re going to love it.

**Guest (Bobby):** We go broadcast every fucking day.

**Host (Mike George):** What’s your radio name? Don't bring out Miranda.

**Guest (Bobby):** I think she’s a feisty bitch.

Mike: Yes, she is. Miranda will call your eyes out. Stephanie Nicks.

**Guest (Bobby):** You know what, if you’re waiting on me, you’re backing up.

Mike: I'm not waiting on a damned thing.

**Guest (Bobby):** Computer music. Cartel. You want to make the biggest rock in the world? What do you think about pornography?

Mike: I believe in it. I believe in pornography.

**Guest (Bobby):** Place of goddamn music right now!

Mike: I'm trying, but I'm going to smash our keyboards!

**Guest (Bobby):** What's astonishingly amazing? Ants!

Mike: I always make the mistake of coming out here with my bare feet. You're playing Russian roulette with your feet a little bit.

**Guest (Bobby):** You owe me a pair of shoes. I’m going to go in the bathroom and smoke some crack cocaine!

**Host (Mike George):** Why the bathroom for that? If you’re going to smoke the crack, smoke it somewhere with good lighting at least. Where the fuck is the mouse?

**Guest (Bobby):** I don’t have problems, I have fucking Solutions!

**Host (Mike George):** I'm going to do the best thing I can do: make another chemical warfare weapon.

**Guest (Bobby):** I can buy this place for one song and I have 21 of them.

**Host (Mike George):** Oh, lovely. Hey, that's the name of it, "Michael Lovely".

**Guest (Bobby):** No, it's going to be called "Michael". I have a song I was singing earlier today: "The first is always free, but the next you have to pay for".

**Host (Mike George):** That's actually a good one. I like the lyrics. I have a melody for it. *(Sings/recites the line)* "The first is always free, but the next you have to pay for." Sex and cigarettes.

**Guest (Bobby):** I got one thing to say. You doing goddamn White House if you're not selling fucking Coke. I'm so happy with my Palestine friends and my Egyptian friends and the Mexican cartel!

**Host (Mike George):** I'm just happy with my friends.

**Guest (Bobby):** I'm trusted with every nigger in the hood.

**Host (Mike George):** No, no, no, I'm going to stop you right there. Please don't say that word. Beep, beep, radio edit.

**Guest (Bobby):** I'm looking for the perfect lady. Black ladies, I hey, all you all send your picture here. I like Asian women.

**Host (Mike George):** Why are we talking about women?

**Guest (Bobby):** I've been dating myself for fucking 13 years. I got myself pregnant and I'm not paying for the fucking abortion.

**Host (Mike George):** Now we're talking about sex. How else do you get pregnant?

**Guest (Bobby):** You put Obama Obama. You put dick and a pussy.

**Host (Mike George):** I'm a monosexual, I think.

**Guest (Bobby):** I'm a monosexual pregnant. Does that mean you speak in monotone while you're having sex?

**Host (Mike George):** No, that means I'm just happy. We're going to put that right out. I’ve been tired of all this not music. One song at a time. This is not going to turn into a shit show YouTube party. I'm cutting you off.

**Guest (Bobby):** I do have the fastest car in town.

**Host (Mike George):** It doesn't matter how fast your car is if it don't have wings, it ain't going to fly. I'd rather ride a fucking horse.

**Guest (Bobby):** Would you like a pet alligator, Michael?

**Host (Mike George):** Let me get the goddamn music on! We are like five or six topics and or songs behind here now. ADH alert, ADH alert! *(Fighting the computer)* My computer's been retarded, and I mean in a literal sense because it's been slow. I'm going to smash this fucking keyboard!

**Guest (Bobby):** Your house was on fire.

**Host (Mike George):** That's all right, it's a rental. I'm evicted from it anyways. It's like perfect time to burn it down. Just kidding.

**Guest (Bobby):** I was cookin' a chicken in the kitchen and I accidentally caught the house on fire.

**Host (Mike George):** Did the insurance cover it? You can't ask questions just like move on like that. You have to allow them to answer the question, right?

**Guest (Bobby):** I'm saying yes to your question.

**Host (Mike George):** Yes, you did. You actually asked me two. Will you calm the fuck down for a moment?

**Guest (Bobby):** I need weed. You're gonna make me disappear for another fucking 40 days. Trust me, I can disappear like a fucking fart in wind.

**Host (Mike George):** I don't doubt that. Oh man, sometimes I remind myself, silence is its own song. I just realized what time it was. I gotta walk back to the goddamn fucking store. It’s like that moment when the lights come on in the club and we’re like, "oh my god, what the fuck are we doing here".

**Guest (Bobby):** You would never listen to my songs.

**Host (Mike George):** Well, you haven't convinced me yet.

**Guest (Bobby):** It's cuz you're stupid.

**Host (Mike George):** See, that's not the way to convince anybody. I'm sick of the old shit! I want some new shit. I need a minute of silence on the clock please. I just got to get this thing going here.

**Guest (Bobby):** Can I smoke some of the weed I bought you? I got to take a break from the weed break so I can get the weed ready!

**Host (Mike George):** I know. I'm notoriously bad at like, oh God, I started like premilling my weed nowadays because I'm just so bad at like... well, you know, for obvious reasons.

**Guest (Bobby):** I got you goddamn weed. I’m thankful.

**Host (Mike George):** I expect that. I’m like kind of using this weird dynamic to cover up a lot of dark shit going on. I’m trying so hard to like not just explode in sadness.

**Host (Mike George):** We’re going to play the Indica Nights playlist. Shout out to Dane Terry, sexy little motherfucker. I know I love this song, I'm glad you like it. *(To the audience)* I can't do this anymore. My battery is actually running like super low. Check it out, maybe in a half hour. Catch you outside, how about that?