On Stage in the Carport
Mike prepares for a performance in his carport with WANDA, a musical baton recently invented to accompany and assist with his commutes on foot.
Happy Friday to you. I figure since this might be one of the last Friday nights at the Crimson House of Alexandria, I should finally live out the dream and use this carport as my stage. I’ve executed things a bit clumsily here before, but it’s a crisp, beautiful night—so why not have a little show while we still can?
Honestly, I’m just so tired of plugging my website when nobody visits. I’ve realized these “Open Mike LIVE” episodes are so limited; you can’t have a thought that lingers for more than 15 seconds without being 'deemed crazy' by the wellness police. Speaking of which, I actually had to call them on a guest last weekend. He was obnoxious and 'tone-deaf' to the house's volume needs, but as one neurodivergent person to another, I felt the call was fair. Looking back at my security footage, I realize he wasn't a bad guy, just someone who needed a place to stay—and it made me wonder if I was just as much of a 'pain in the ass' back when people were housing me in Portland.
But hey, it’s 17:30, the 'cool kids' are watching, and since I haven't hired my offstage twink production assistant yet, I’m running the whole show myself. I’m trying to sync the house audio, but between the Bluetooth and the speakers, it’s a total 'schizophrenic’s hell' of off-sync music. This is why you always need a stage manager—they are the most important person in a performer's life!
Hang on, let’s duck into the dressing room. You’re getting a 'behind the scenes' look at some premium content you’d usually have to pay for, but I’m feeling generous because I’m broke as f***. I’m grabbing a belt to avoid a 'wardrobe malfunction' and, since I’m right by the weed, I’m taking a little performance pit stop.
Alright, I’m back on the carport stage. I’m dodging this light fixture because I know you guys are 'placing bets' on me hitting it, but I’m staying out of the way. This whole playlist is called 'The Saboteur,' and it's basically a collection of boss battle music. It’s a tight squeeze in here, but let’s get into it with some System of a Down!
Wake up!
Why’d you leave the keys upon the table?
I don’t think you trust in my self-righteous suicide.
I cry when angels deserve to die!'
And on that note, my speakers are dying and my phone is about to give up. Mama’s going to the bar right now to try to make some money and then spend it all on booze for herself. Go hustle some boys tonight, stay safe, and if you’ve got a fat wallet, buy a stranger a drink. Take care of yourselves and someone else.
