Musings in Monroe

Mike enjoys some vindictive satisfaction regarding his ex-boyfriend's recent job loss. He then chats with Jake about Ohio geography, political figures, and social class.

Welcome to a special edition of “Open Mike LIVE” coming at you from Monroe, Michigan — a beautiful land up north, but not so far that you can’t find decent weed nearby. I’m coming to you from a shitty, banged-up iPhone 6, and frankly, I look a bit banged up myself, which explains the dramatic lighting. I didn’t exactly get permission to film in this kitchen, so I’m being discreet in case anyone from the Trump administration is watching on Parler. I used to worry about Obama and Edward Snowden, but now there’s a former president to consider.

I don’t even know what to call him—a former dictator? A formerly failed dictator? I still think Joe Biden deserves to be the 45th president because I love that number and it shouldn't be tainted by Donald J. Trump.

But enough politics; I have my own exes to ignore. Speaking of exes, I just got some "intel" from Portland. It turns out my ex-boyfriend is alive and healthy, but he’s had some guided misfortune. He actually got fired from the same dispensary where he once called the cops on me. I just love it when justice and irony prevail.

Hey, Jake Michael is joining us from Dayton — or is it Centerville? Come on, I need some comments in this chat because these monologues get boring as fuck. Jake says Centerville is south of Dayton, but there are so many towns in Ohio that think they are the center of something. Is it the center of white republicanism?

Jake:
They call it that because Washington Township surrounds it and Centerville is in the center.

Mike:
Ah, the center of Washington Township! That sounds valid. Since I don’t have 96 television screens like a game show, I’m just going to award you 900 points, Jake. Let’s try to bring you on camera.

(Mike struggles with his Bluetooth settings)

It’s the marvels of science; I’m an electrical engineer and even I don’t get it. Can you hear me now?

Jake:
I can hear you much better now.

Mike:
Good! I’ve got more gumption now. We have a live studio audience, even if it’s just us — your fifth-grade teacher might even be watching.

Jake:
I don’t have any of my teachers on Facebook; I remember them, I just don’t like them.

Mike:
Not even one? I feel like I’m wasting tax dollars if you didn’t have a single good teacher. We used to have a Department of Education before Betsy DeVos, and hopefully, that problem is solved now. Now we just have to wait for the money to "trickle down," right? Trickle-down economics assumes we put faith in the rich and powerful, which... can we really do that?

(Mike urinates in a trickle while trying to play music)

This is a shitty sound test. I’m trying to listen to Beyonce and piss at the same time, but the internet is being difficult. Jake, can you hear Beyonce?

Jake:
No.

Mike:
That is unacceptable! This is so clumsy on an iPhone 6. Look, I’m going to take a technical moment to smoke another bowl and I’ll rejoin you guys in 10 minutes. Live from Monroe, Michigan, this has been Mike George. See you in ten!