Shenaniganza

Mike joins a gathering around a fire for “Shenaniganza,” a ritual in which participants cleanse themselves of past disappointments from the preceding year 2020.

Welcome, this is Mike George coming at you live from somewhere in Portland at Shenaniganza! I’m taking my bundle of joy from the year 2020 — all my feelings, ex-boyfriends, lovers, and people who basically disappointed me — and we’re going to burn it down!

Speaker 1:
Watch out for the plane!

Mike:
Are you all right? Yes! Listen to the different music happening around the fire. That was all my 2020 bullshit flying out the window to "O Canada"!

Speaker 2:
Nice. That was "O Canada." Well done.

Mike:
I don't know the words! I’m an American!

Speaker 2:
You did the right thing.

Mike:
I could have done the American Star-Spangled Banner while kneeling into the fire, but that would’ve been more dramatic.

Speaker 2:
That’s very dramatic. I’m glad you resisted.

Mike:
I don't have health insurance anyway. Obamacare isn't there yet; nobody covered "pal-fight."

Mike: (To the crowd)
Shush! We’re all talking. Is it midnight? I think the actual ceremony is going to be in ten minutes. We have a bunch of really cool things here ready to burn and some fine people. Don’t worry, Obama’s not going to see this, and neither will Trump—everyone’s got their masks on, anyway.

Mike:
Honestly, I feel like we’re on Martha Stewart’s cooking show right now. We’re going to sprinkle in a little bit of love, a little bit of self-acceptance—yes queen!—a little bit of belief in yourself, and a little bit of love for yourself and others. Just a little bit of love in a fire at midnight.

Speaker 3:
It’s cutting some paper. This is a pretty simple process.

Mike:
Let’s show the viewers how it works.

Speaker 3:
You bet. Drop it in. Let's put some rosemary in there. You want me to help you?

Mike:
Well, I’m not ready for that! Sorry, you’re new to this. We’ll edit that out.

Speaker 3:
Oh! That was a fist in there. You like that? Nice.

Mike:
I’m showing you how it goes for the "after dark" special. You want to see it or not? You make yourself a bowl in your hand and put popcorn in it because that gives you some weight and keeps you from...

Speaker 3:
Can I get your face? I’m going to get your face.

Mike:
Don't look at my face yet! I’m showing you the thing! You get your popcorn in and then you think, "Okay, I want to be more loving this year." Bam! Boom! I want to love myself and feel accepted no matter where I go. Boom! I want to be stronger and demonstrate healthiness in an awesome way.

Speaker 3:
Amen to that one. That’s a hard one for a lot of people.

Mike:
Wait, let me turn the flash on. There we go, that’s much better. I’m going to take another little piece and burn it. It’s a little premature, I know; we have to save some of the sage for the actual midnight. Oh wow, look at that!

Speaker 3:
There's a small piece of rosemary.

Mike:
I love rosemary. It makes me feel like... well, I think it’s rosemary. There it goes! Yay!

Speaker 3:
Oh my goodness, that’s a PBR can.

Mike:
A PBR can? We’ve gotten to the PBR can portion of the fire before midnight? He must be having a rough time with that PBR!

Mike:
Anyway, this is Mike George coming at you live from the fires of hell—I mean, the fires of Shenaniganza in Portland, Oregon. This is us! So long, and take care of yourselves! Thank you!