The Southern Route

Mike announces his upcoming relocation to Louisiana, a move he views with a mixture of trepidation and romanticized anticipation - if not a tension between his fears of Southern intolerance and his desire to embrace Southern hospitality.

This is Mike George coming at you live from Columbus, Ohio, specifically from within the 70/71 crossroads, which I regard as the very center of the state. It has been a while since I’ve offered a broadcast of appreciable gravitas, and I’ll be honest most them are simply of me getting stoned and heartbroken, which is probably why you all continue watching.

It is a dark, rainy night in Columbus, and as a good-natured citizen of this fine city, I have to say I’m glad the police aren't out causing trouble. I’ve always felt that 'Black Lives Matter' needs to be respected in every community. Now, for the news you’ve been waiting for: I am moving to Louisiana in a couple of weeks. I’m headed to a place called Pineville, which is near Alexandria—a city that mostly exists so people have an airport to get the hell out of Pineville.

I’m a proud alum of Steubenville, Ohio, and Pineville is about the same size, but I’m bracing myself because I suspect it’s going to be far less gay-friendly. I’m 35 years old now, and for a long time, I was one of those boys who was always 'chasing the big shining city over the hill'. I’ve lived in Montreal, Orlando, and Portland, Oregon, but I’ve eventually realized that there is fucked up shit in every city. It’s not about the location; it’s about 'chasing yourself' in those places and realizing there is a lot to fix everywhere, even in nice cities like Columbus.

I’ll admit, I’m a little stoned and paranoid right now, and I have this arbitrary fear of moving to the South. But I don’t want to live in fear, and I’m praying that I don't let that place change me for the worse. I’m trying to make myself excited by clinging to these delusional fantasies of meeting a 'southern boy'. I have this image of a guy pulling up in a pickup truck, smoking a menthol cigarette, and whisking me away on a hot date. I usually hate pickup trucks because they are 'environmentally inefficient,' but what lady doesn’t love a badass bitch showing up in a monstrosity like that?

There is a bit of irony in moving to Louisiana since they technically have French roots, though I doubt I’ll actually get to use my French; they probably just use the language to name businesses and sell fried food. I’m going to look past my own 'big city snobbery' and give the South a proper go. This is a long, rambling update, but I’m ready for the mystery and intrigue to unfold. This might be my last broadcast from Columbus, so until next time, take care of yourselves and take care of each other — even if you’re in Louisiana.