PDX After Dark

Mike drives around Portland late at night, in search of his ex-boyfriend, cannabis to purchase, and a place to pee.

Hello, this is Mike George here with some live updates from Portland, Oregon. We’re hiring an editor for the whole she-bang, because we’re designing a season premiere of something big, so stay tuned! Shout out to Simone, Joshua, Christopher, Dan Perry, and Wilbur for joining the stream. I’ve got Mickey here—say hi, Mickey—but unfortunately, we’ve lost Joey.

Joey went a little stir-crazy and decided to go on a "shopping trip" at the mall. We bought Mickey some treats, but I can’t show you while I’m driving. This is the Mickey and Mikey show now! Someone get Nicole Cook to see this; Mickey is a little shy. I might not be on much longer, but I’m going to smoke some weed with y’all—gotta put Mickey away first to keep the kids out of danger.

Let me give you the tea, Alan Draper: my ex-boyfriend cheated on me. We should play this like the Match Game with audience participation. Every time I ask a question, you say, "That bitch is so fat, how fat is she?". I love games, baby! This is live Facebook television! I’m single now—did you guys get that from the producer’s notes?

Here’s the mission: it’s a choose-as-you-go adventure. I’m not going to kill myself or my boyfriend, despite what the people calling the hotlines think. The mission of the day is to snag a bitch in the bathroom! Think of this as a giant maze — like the ones I made in elementary school.

Shoutout to my sponsor Squarespace; use the code for 50% off. Now, it’s time to smoke some reefer.

Seatbelt off, doors locked. I see some cute homeless boys; maybe they have weed? No, they have nothing. First objective: find a boy with weed because I’m running out. Also, side note: all the best pizza is made in Eastern Ohio—Steubenville is a close contender.

We need gasoline. We’re heading to the truck terminal to find a cute boy to fill us up. I’ll trade him an adult one-day pass to the Max to negotiate the price down—this is how you survive with very little money! I have 35 miles to go, I’m downtown, and I have to pee and smoke. Aunt Tilda needs a smoke break!

Joey is Found

Wait! I found it! Joey—our smoking apparatus—was literally under the seat the whole time! Checking the weather here in zip code 97209, it’s about 23:03. Portland has so many cute boys lately; I want to take one home. I’d show you my Mickey Mouse voice, but Mickey is just chilling right now.

I’m off the hook for any "terms and conditions" because of the breakup. I need to pee so bad. I’m going to go around the corner and pee near a tree. If I get killed, at least it’s on camera for five viewers and a 911 call!

Back from the commercial break. Safety check: 360-degree turn to check for foes. This isn’t a makeup tutorial; this is the Mike George Show. I’m smoking my last bit of weed. I hope I find Matt; I still love him, but he’s not interested anymore.

We’re in the part of the movie where we get into trouble. High-speed adventures ensue! Shout out to Bee in Taipei. We’re listening to music that feels like a trip to Mt. St. Helens. I lost my lighter again — I suck at this!

Math problem: I have 32 miles of fuel for 17 miles of distance. While you figure that out, I’m joining my affiliates in Montreal. Obama is probably wiretapping me, but he’s got weed anyway. Smoking is my prayer time. Check out my GoFundMe!

Think of this as Uber plus Pac-Man. I need 10 viewers for a prize. Matthew broke up with me over the phone, and it was a mix of enchantment and disillusionment. We’re doing a radio broadcast now, Fallout 4 style.

Portland drivers make Pittsburgh drivers look like sous-chefs. I need food and a boy. I’m leaving the chaos of downtown. I’ve been told three places my boyfriend might be hiding — it’s a scavenger hunt. Mateo already apologized, but it feels like a collision.

I just saw a flare and a minor accident — Jesus, take the wheel! These drivers are pissed at me because I’m going 45 mph. I’m heading to the Marine Drive truck terminal. I’m a crafty driver, Google! You’re the perfect lover, Google—a god-type thing.

I’m so tired. I have 13 miles left on the car. Matthew isn’t here at the truck stop. It’s a cruel game. My console says it's 00:01.

Final prayer: please let there be a hot boy at the gas pump. Stay tuned for "Tales from the Riveting TA"!