Mike and Matt leave Salt Lake City for Denver via Wyoming, dropping a trailer in Ogden and picking up a dry van. They recount a truck-stop encounter in Wyoming, discuss the Steele dossier and Puerto Rico damage, and trade 'drama-queen' banter en route to Matt's family visit.
5, 4, 3, 2, 1... Good morning, this is... we just feel like Kathie Lee and Hoda, or Regis and Kelly! Hi, I'm Kelly Ripa!
We were watching some Wheel of Fortune fails today. That was... one of them, because they couldn't say it, it took like four attempts. Oh, God bless. They were servicemen. Support the troops! Yeah, they don't got the time to watch daytime TV. They're too busy fighting al-Qaeda and ISIS, right? They don't got time for that. They don't got time for that!
We are live again from Salt Lake City. Perhaps for the last time in a while, at least in a week or so. Um, oh, I guess... Matthew, why don't you tell our viewers where we're off to today?
Matt:
So today, guys, we're going to be heading to Denver via Wyoming. Um, so yeah, we're getting ready to drop off the trailer that I just delivered at the Home Depot last night. And I had to stay there because I ran out of hours. And we ate at this really delicious place called Wings. It was pretty delish.
Mike:
Yeah, it was good, it wasn't bad. I was actually surprised. I demolished like 12... excuse me, 11 wings! You only ate one of them.
Matt:
I only ate one of them! Oh shit, I didn't think I ate that many. But it's all right.
Mike:
Well, I had tortilla soup and a salad, so I really only wanted a taste of the wings since I was on a weight joint — I didn't want to eat anything super heavy.
Matt:
So, yeah, after we drop off the trailer at the distribution center up in Ogden, then I'm heading to the West Valley to pick up a dry van, which is going to take me to Boulder. Um, so yeah, I'm really excited to see my family and friends in Colorado this week, and help my sister celebrate her birthday, and hopefully see my niece on her birthday.
Mike:
That's a pretty car. Just my ADD for a second!
Matt:
Yeah. But yeah, we just got out of the shower and just ordered some Mickey D's breakfast, which guys, we don't eat that that often, but it was kind of one of those things I was craving. You know, it's something about the hash brown—I swear it's the fry oil. There has to be like crack or something in the fry oil!
Mike:
Maybe there's like fly oil! Fly oil!
Matt:
A fly oil, yeah. So yeah, we took a shower before that, which I feel fresh. Yes, fresh! Freshly douched. Not really, but I just feel fresh.
Mike:
Yeah. So we are entering the Salt Lake City area from the south. In case y'all don't already know what Salt Lake City looks like from all these videos...
Matt:
Orem! Yeah, this is Orem. We're between Provo and Salt Lake City. We're south of Sandy, south of West Jordan, north of Provo.
Mike:
Yeah. So let's see what is on our minds this lovely Saturday morning. I mean, we could talk about the Steele Dossier, but I feel like that's coming within the next few weeks here as far as more developments. Hopefully sooner than that. There's been this like eerie silence. Maybe it's just because I haven't been as in tune to the news, but this week has been... Oh my god, my hair is like sticking up like whoa! That is like cowlick number four right there. Cowlick 1A.
Matt:
There must be like some investigating going on right now.
Mike:
Yeah, I know. There's like this eerie silence. Of course, the news media has been overtaken with all the recent tragedies and all that. So while we're all kind of busy sulking over those things, the gears are grinding in the Mueller investigation. So that's kind of fun, finding out some potential conclusions from that. What else has been going on in the world? I suggest if you guys want to help the people in Puerto Rico, mostly I would say donate money. If you want to help out the people in Vegas, I would say donate blood or plasma if you can.
Matt:
I'm not saying to do this, and I'm not saying that I have or I have not done this, but if you slightly omit certain key details about your life in order to be able to donate... and it's shitty that people potentially have to do that in order to donate, since people don't take blood from people who are LGBT unless they have not had sex within the last 12 months, which is fucking retarded first of all, because they do not ask the same thing for heterosexual people. I think that is super fucking biased.
Mike:
Well, isn't it men who have sex with men that can't give blood? I thought lesbians are allowed to donate, transgender people are allowed to donate...
Matt:
Yeah, so which that's still stupid in my opinion! Like you don't ask that same thing for heterosexual people when the biggest demographic of people who actually contract HIV/AIDS are straight women!
Mike:
Can't they just test the blood? They do! That's just fucking stupid.
Matt:
So yeah, they test the blood anyways, so it seems kind of stupid. Why would you keep people out of giving blood? We should start our own nonprofit organization that only takes gay blood!
Mike:
Gay blood! Well girl, do you want to be fabulous here, pump a pint of this into you? Oh god, that sounded super dirty! I said it, whatever!
Matt:
Speaking of super dirty, I didn't tell you guys this: the last time when we were in Wyoming, we stopped at the Little America Truck Stop, which if you guys follow Mikey at all, you will know that we absolutely loved the fucking showers there. It was just amazing because, one, it was clean, had a shower, had a bathtub...
Mike:
They were separate modules, separated by a wall.
Matt:
Anyway, as Michael and I were getting ready to finish our dinner, this female driver comes up—kind of homely-looking, definitely on the chubby side, looked like she needed to shower because she hadn't showered in like 3 days. But anyway, she was trying to hit on every fucking guy that was in there, with her laser eye focused, like: "Oh, I would tear you up, and oo, let me shine that knob, I know how to spit shine," and blah blah blah. I'm like, "Girl, I'm good, thanks! Okay, bye!"
And then I figure at least you figured out that Michael and I were a thing when we walked into the shower together. So whatever, I don't care. She probably needed two showers just for herself, probably. Not to mention some of my friends out there who are very sex positive—I wouldn't even touch them with your name!
Mike:
Yeah. So why don't we play a little game? Oh, I like games! And catch up on who's on and who has commented, if they have. Nobody has commented yet, again we're starting the morning off slow, but let's see who we have online here. It's Saturday morning...
Hey Scott! Scott Kaufman has joined, he's always fun to talk to. He and I used to always get into these really deep conversations about things, and we still kind of do on Facebook sometimes with our political rants. So hi Scott - Scottie Too Hottie… Oh, he was my first ever snowed-in date!
Matt:
Oh, that was him? That's the guy?
Mike:
Yeah!
Matt:
Never mind! Hey Scott!
Mike:
Who else do we have? Jess Erickson, welcome to the broadcast! Hi Chad! Hey Chad, hey girl, hey! Chad is a fellow queer engineer!
Matt:
Oh, I love Queer engineers!
Mike:
Yeah, he was in my classes at Wright State, fellow electrical engineer.
Matt:
Did you guys have a spark?
Mike:
No, no, we never! No, none of that ever happened. I mean, we were friends. But no, we never.
Matt:
You used Queer McGill, right? That was a grad school thing.
Mike:
Yes, I mean Queer McGill was... why do half of us join these Queer organizations? Is it really to make a difference in the community, or is it just to get laid?
Matt:
Oh no, some of us join for the right reasons, some of us join for our own right reasons!
Mike:
Well, I say I'm helping my community by getting laid! I mean, we're spreading the seeds of queer positivity and embracing sex positivity, right? I'm not slut-shaming, girl—if you want to kick your heels up and fuck, by all means!
Matt:
All I'm saying is, I know in my time with Wright State’s Signal Alliance that I did not actually date anybody within my organization, nor did I sleep with anybody within my organization. Although, Dayton gossip, if you will... the Dayton gossip!
Mike:
Oh my god, spare us the Dayton gossip!
Matt:
All those basic ass queens! Not all of them are basic, I do still have some pretty good friends out there. By the way, Chad was in a monogamous relationship at the time!
Mike:
Oh, two cars, one lane! Uh-oh!
Matt:
Well, good for you, Chad, and your monogamy!
Mike:
Yeah! Oh shoot, I was trying to think of who it was. You must have kept that on the DL, girl!
Matt:
Not everybody needs to know, because sometimes you find out who... them dating queens, especially, oh my god, they would pounce on that shit like flies on shit!
Mike:
I feel like you're making a gross generalization.
Matt:
I'm sorry, I just have a very large residual disdain for the Dayton gay scene. I'm not even gonna call it the queer community, it was a basic-as-fuck Dayton gay community.
Mike:
Well, okay, I will say this: I do still have some very good friends out there.
Matt:
Oh absolutely, there are great people!
Mike:
I feel like when you say that, you're talking about the scene itself. There's a difference between criticizing individuals in the community and criticizing the aggregate clusterfuck of the community.
Matt:
It's just full of a lot of repressed homosexuals. Anytime you have a small city full of repressed homosexuals, they all turn on each other because they're so obsessed with maintaining their front. They don't want anybody knowing about their business, so they try to deflect all the attention onto everybody else's business.
Mike:
Sidebar: remember that time where you said that you didn't talk with your hands that much during livestream recordings?
Matt:
I talk with my hands! I don't care, I talk with my hands! I'm a believer in nonverbal communication, especially with my mom and my family when they don't understand English.
Mike:
All I'm saying is you said that you did not use your hands a lot because of livestreaming!
Matt:
Oh, because I'm holding the phone with my one hand! So that means I have to do extra with my one other hand to compensate for the fact that I only have one hand available!
Mike:
Okay, so back to what we were talking about. Wow, Chad was in that relationship for 7 years! A seven-year long-distance relationship in undergrad! That is pretty fucking impressive, Chad.
Matt:
Kudos to you on that one, because in undergrad you're surrounded by all the theater boys especially, and nothing good ever happens when you surround yourself with theater boys!
Mike:
Going back to what we were talking about, there were a select few pretentious people that I dealt with in Dayton who tried to be shady. I would just go around and be like, "Bitch, who do you think you are? You live in Dayton, motherfucking Ohio! You don't live in New York, you don't live in Chicago, you don't live in LA!" I've never confronted pretentious gays in a city like New York or Montreal or LA.
Matt:
San Francisco is not like that, San Francisco is so laidback.
Mike:
In small or medium-sized cities in particular, the gay scene can be so pretentious because they're all pissed off that they're not in New York or Montreal, and they manifest that hate onto others.
Matt:
They want to be the 'It' person, the fashionista, the ambassador of the city. And I don't got time for that. I've been to all these cities, I've seen many things. If you live in those bigger cities, then bitch, by all means have a fucking ego. But why even have an ego in the first place? Why not use your ego to actually help yourself and your career, instead of trying to diminish other people?
Mike:
Chad says that this conversation about pretentious people sounds very pretentious itself!
Matt:
We're all hypocrites somewhat, aren't we?
Mike:
I don't feel like I'm being pretentious whatsoever, I'm just simply calling to light certain things that I see within our own culture. If we focused more on "we" instead of "me," we'd get a lot more accomplished.
Matt:
That's easier said than done. It's like Maslow's hierarchy of needs—you have to first focus on "me," then when everything's good with "me," we can move on to "we." Like RuPaul says, how can you love anybody else if you don't love yourself?
Mike:
If you focus on "we," you're focusing on yourself and other people, not just yourself.
Matt:
Right, but a lot of people don't have that capacity yet because they haven't figured out how to focus on themselves. People are so self-absorbed and me-centric. My parents struggled, and I struggled for everything that I fucking have, which makes me so me-centric.
Mike:
There's nothing wrong with focusing on "me," but I get pissed off when focusing on "me" comes at the expense of the people around me, like a fixed-pie scenario where in order to benefit myself, I have to put down others. It's very Donald Trumpian. You can focus energy on yourself without doing it at the expense of other people. That's how you grow as a person—realizing it's not a fixed-pie scenario and growing the pie through physical health, mental health, job performance, and school performance.
Matt:
I don't disagree with that. Being the oldest of 4 kids and taking care of family, it hasn't always been about me. I get where you're coming from with "me first," but people spend so much time on "me" time instead of taking a moment and thinking about other people.
Mike:
I think that's a big difference between guys in their 20’s and guys in their 30’s. Guys in their 20’s are more me-centric because you're growing, graduating college, starting a career.
When you get into your 30’s, your paradigm shifts. When you age and people around you start passing away, or when you transition from school into the real world, you're no longer surrounded by social networks all the time. In university, settings force you to interact and make friends. In the real world, you have to put direct effort into throwing parties, reaching out to people, and fostering your own social network.
Matt:
Matthew Chess says, "Try being older and self-employed. It's a problem."
Mike:
Totally! I know that.
Matt:
I've been working since the age of 11 to help out family, which instilled a good work ethic to do stuff like be a flatbed truck driver—throwing straps, chains, tying things down. I actually used to be really introverted and shy, and I've had to force myself to be more extroverted.
Mike:
Do you think people are naturally introverts or naturally extroverts?
Matt:
I feel like there's an ebb and flow. Depending on the situation, I can observe, see what the social setting is, and see how much of me I can really be. Now I've just gotten to the point where I don't give a fuck anymore! If you ain't paying my bills, I'm not going to pay you no mind. At the end of the day, you do you, I'm going to do me. I'm going to be out there yelling and screaming for human rights and equality while trolls sit behind their keyboard being caddy online.
Mike:
I feel like I need to be more of a cunt online.
Matt:
More so than you kind of already are?
Mike:
I'm very diplomatic online! I let people know I'm not satisfied with them, but in a nice way.
Matt:
Chad asked about your interview!
Mike:
My interview last week with the US Army Corps of Engineers went well — it felt like a very satisfying first date. But ultimately, unfortunately, I did not get the job. I was notified this week that I didn't get the position.
Matt:
It's a good preparation for your next interview — the warmup act! Just like all those bitches before me were the warmup act before you got to the love of your life!
Mike:
Ah! What else has been going on, baby?
Matt:
Just a really long week, even though this week kind of flew by.
Mike:
Yeah, this week was weird. It felt like the beginning was slow, then Wednesday happened and we were at Friday.
Matt:
It's different for you because you're not actively driving. I'm always having something to do. I wish I could just be like, "Hey babe, if you drive, go take a nap."
Mike:
I don't think I would enjoy driving this thing, though. I like to zip around in my little Mazda, not hold myself back at 55 mph.
Matt:
You have yet to see me drive a car! Driving a semi-truck, you can't drive 80 mph and zip over five lanes like in a Mazda.
Mike:
Shoutout to my courageous friend Leah Paulal for asking!
Matt:
I wish I was there because I would have reminded that bitch to leave her number! Reverse, reverse!
Mike:
"Put that in reverse! Beep beep beep that up!" Leah is the most selfless, kind person, but if you get on her bad side, she will straight up cut you!
Matt:
I wish we could just bring her with us! We should do a train ride from Portland to Ohio in 2024 to see the solar eclipse!
Mike:
Yeah! By that time, we better both be making enough money to just do it.
Matt:
Any sugar daddies out there? Gross! Having a sugar daddy means having to do stuff for stuff. Nothing's ever for free.
Mike:
I'll be your sugar daddy! Once I have my shit together!
Matt:
The best way for me to wake up in the morning is to either get my penis played with or to play with my teeth!
Mike:
Oh, Raj Sadin is online! Hi Raj! He's a fellow driver.
Matt:
This bitch at McDonald's was not listening to me when I asked for an iced caramel macchiato!
Mike:
That sounds pretentious and bitchy! She was probably just in her little preset routine.
Matt:
I had somebody when I worked at Starbucks ask for an iced caramel macchiato and ask if we could heat it up!
Mike:
Brian Keith just joined us! Brian is one of my Montreal buddies from Queer McGill. We were the assimilationists rather than the radicals. Brian was our treasurer—a money guy!
Matt:
It would be a lot of fun to have Brian Sturgill on a livestream with us! He was the first one who said, "Shirts off, boys!"
Mike:
We're going to save that for the season finale!
Matt:
We need a theme song and graphics! If any of you want to come up with graphics or music for our episodes, we'll give you shoutouts and credit!
Mike:
Once we're in Denver, that'll be a nice little reprieve from all the drama lingering in my head.
Matt:
Friends, you guys have been awfully quiet today! Enjoy your Bloody Marys and mimosas. Talk to you later, bye!
