The Fresco Express

Mike and Matt travel through Utah toward Salt Lake City, where Mike is to fly to Portland for a job interview. The conversation is loose, covering an eclectic array of topics ranging from political "epiphanies" regarding global intelligence agencies and data privacy to humorous, candid discussions about their personal lives and future job interviews. They are joined by their friend Alan, sharing observations about the passing scenery and local landmarks like Mormon temples.

Good afternoon, this is Mike George here with my trusty co-pilot on the... uh, what is it? The Fuego Express?

Matt:
Actually, it’s "Fresco," but that’s okay. I'm Matthew Gutierrez, your friendly neighborhood truck driver.

Mike:
And whereabouts are we on this fair land of Utah?

Matt:
Well, why don’t you show them?

Mike: (pivots the camera to the windshield)
Look at that mountain! Especially with the squished bugs... and is that bird shit? Hi, bird shit!

Matt:
It’s fun to see what billboards are along these various places in Utah.

Mike:
So, nobody is joining us yet. We’re just talking to ourselves. We’re thinking about incorporating some games into these Facebook Live events to make them more interactive.

Matt:
Sparse success so far, but we’ve had some.

Mike:
Human interaction is always important. Anyway, I have a job interview tomorrow, and I’m heading to Portland tonight.

Matt:
Well, you’re the DJ now, baby. I can’t DJ and drive at the same time.

Mike:
True, that’s dangerous. I’m too busy looking pretty here anyway! Oh, Jessica Olmstead joined—hi, Jessica! She’s a high school friend from Steubenville.

Matthew:
I had an epiphany today while we were listening to Rachel Maddow. She brings the tea!

Mike:
She really does. What was the epiphany?

Matt:
With the whole Russia/Trump thing... I was thinking, is the American public more outraged at Russia meddling, or at the fact that the United States has been doing the same thing via the CIA for decades? It’s a bit of the pot calling the kettle black.

Mike: (pointing out the window)
Look at that boat on that trailer\! It’s leaning precarious to the left. That looks like some Final Destination stuff right there.

Matt:
Yeah, I’m backing off. I’ll give ourselves some room.

Mike:
Good call. We also had a second topic to talk about... something of a more "sexual nature." But I want more viewers before we get into that.

Matt:
It was a "sexual epiphany."

Mike:
We’ll let that be the teaser\! In the meantime, Jessica says she’s in Columbus. A lot of Steubenville folks end up there.

Matt:
It's the Mecca of Ohio.

Mike:
Anyway, back to the CIA vs. KGB. Those are the two organizations you just don't mess with. Maybe Scotland Yard, too.

Matt:
Resident Evil is based on a shred of human truth. It could all happen tomorrow!

Mike:
It’s scary to see the contrast between the US — an open, imperfect democracy — and Russia, where the internet is completely policed. Somehow, we trust a capitalistic corporation like Facebook with our data more than the government.

Matt:
After the Equifax thing, you realize you’re not a person; you’re a commodity. It’s scary.

Mike:
My credit is shit anyway, so I have nothing to hide! Maybe I can just claim the last three years of my credit were stolen. Hypothetically, of course.

Matt:
We have 83 miles to go before Salt Lake City.

Mike:
This is my last livestream with Mateo for at least 72 hours. We should celebrate by livestreaming every one of those hours nonstop! Like a Power Hour.

Matthew:
I'm going to be driving and you'll just pop in. It'll be like Ed McMahon without the giant cheque.

Mike: (adjusts his hat)
My hair looks unkempt. I look like Sally Jesse Raphael.

Matt:
More like a Sally Mae.

Mike:
I’ll play that song “Sallie Mae Back” once my student loans are paid off... projected for the year 2050.

Matt: (fake crying)
I’m going to miss you!

Mike:
Oh, don't cry, baby. I'll miss you too.

(to the camera) If you're listening, Facebook, we know what you did last summer with Russia! Mark Zuckerberg!

Matt:
Facebook loves candid dialogue... as long as it sells more vacation homes on Airbnb. We should look for one in Denver.

Mike:
Put it on the checklist! Okay, let’s reveal the "suspense" question from earlier.

Matt:
The question was: what would you do if you woke up and there was... well, let's just say, "fluids" all over your face?

Mike:
My first reaction would be utter fear. I’d think I was dying because my eyes and nostrils would be crusted shut! I'd be like, "I can't breathe!" Then, once I realized I wasn't dying, I'd make you clean it off.

Matt:
Overdramatic! Ladies and gentlemen, the Academy Award goes to...

Mike:
It would suck to die that way! Hey, Alan joined the chat. Let’s invite him in.

(Alan joins the video call)

Mike:
Hi, Alan! It’s so dark in there. Are you resting?

Alan:
I’m just resting. It’s nap time.

Mike:
How’s your day going? You heading to Vegas soon?

Alan:
I’m leaving tomorrow. My friend is coming with me on Friday.

Mike:
Nice. We were just near Las Vegas in St. George, Utah.

Alan:
The sexual apps definitely know your position.

Mike:
Oh, they know your position in more than one way\! Any cute boys on Scruff in your area?

Alan:
I don't use Scruff. I'm on the Grindr grid and Growler.

Mike:
It’s a dog-eat-dog world. I like the bears more, so I stay on Scruff. Is that why you lather yourself with honey?

Alan:
Yes! It’s not because I like bees.

Mike:
Well, they sure like you! They just want to get you with a little stinger. Anyway, my flight is at 20:30, so I’ll be back in Portland late. I have that interview tomorrow, so I need to be responsible and get some sleep.

Alan:
All right, see you when you get back.

(Alan exits)

Mike:
We’re getting close to Salt Lake. Driving 300 miles isn't even a big deal to me anymore. (Points out the window) Look at that building — probably a Mormon temple.

Matt:
"Don't complain to me about your health experience."

Mike: (laughing)
That guy’s Scruff profile! I want to shake his hand just for that line.

Matthew:
Look at those mountains. It’s "birdy" scenery.

Mike:
I should probably start packing. I have about 45 miles before I have to head to the airport.

Matt: (mocking)
This bitch thinks he’s getting off the camera.

Mike:
Fine, fine! I’ll sign off. I’ll probably hit you all up from the airport when I’m bored and having an alcoholic beverage.

Matt:
Promoting alcoholism to a recovering alcoholic. Nice.

Mike: (laughs)
Anyway, from Salt Lake City, I’m Mike!

Matt:
And I’m Matt. Tata for now!