Mike struggles to process a breakup with Matt, opening up about his financial distress and finding solace among his audience, friends, and Sorceror Monkey plush figure.
Oh my god, it is recording! Hi, Facebook Land! This is your favorite queen, Mike—Mikey here! Mikey, hi! So everybody say, 'Hi Mikey, hi Mikey!' Come on, join the class! Can join us, the class can join us. Oh my god, I have to have an altar... that's Mrs. Pottsworth... or no, Mrs. Frizzle! I want a Mrs. Frizzle altar actually. So anyways, write that down actually... Mrs. Frizzle, Miss Frizzle, take that down... Miss Frizzle! Oh my god, there's a biker! Oh my god, there's a bike! Oh my god, I gotta get a dash cam footage of this! Okay, this is Portland, everybody—Portland, Oregon. It's really hazardous to drive here, which normally means you're not supposed to be on your phone, you know, as a phone safety tip.
So actually, it's a good way to start a safety contact for this duration of the drive: no being on your phone when you're driving, you know. So no funny business on the phone while you're driving really is what it means. So I'm on the phone, but I'm on my Facebook Live and I'm just sort of cruising along here. It's on a phone mount, so there's no harm, no foul with the phone thing on the road."
Journaling a Breakup
So anyways, I'm just documenting all this because what's going on right now—in case Facebook Live hasn't told you yet—is that my boyfriend is breaking up with me. Bingo, right there! He is a lawyer, okay? He does law, he studies law, and like knows all the legal stuff about breaking up with people. So I'm just making sure I cover my ass here with some exclusive non-stop live video of the event, so it'll document everything you need to know. Oh god, this is public, I should not share... oh god, I need to go to fucking Chase. And anyways, so I need to fucking disable this fucking camera... so Facebook Live, it's just you and me. We're in Facebook Live land together. Oh god, this is a Chase parking lot. It's the worst place to pull over and smoke some weed. Ah, actually, you know, Chase I think is good with that. Oh my god, it's moving the wrong way! Literally, this fucking parking lot is so fucked. I saw you... no wait, this is the wrong way. But then why this... okay, this parking lot is fatally misdesigned! It literally changes one-way directions in the middle of it. This is not Kofa's book, but it gives me a good place to smoke weed because it's like a system source instead of a system sync. So it's going to divert all unwanted traffic, all... you know, more importantly, all enforcement vehicles away from me where I'm smoking."
Mickey & Mikey
So anyways, I'm going to smoke some weed. I like this activity a lot because it's a good chance to kick back and join your friends for some old tea time with... tea time with Facebook Live. And I'm just vaping, by the way—no, no marijuana in the truck... in the car, especially when I'm driving. We got Mickey Mouse in the back. I got to keep Mickey Mouse safe... he doesn't even... Mickey Mouse doesn't even know about my weed smoking habit really. Mickey Mouse is just there to help me out when I need it. He's like a Joey, he's a Mickey, you know. Mickey's our like son-in-law kind of thing, we have to take care of him a little bit. So he's like our son, think of him like a son figure, you know. Son... the sun is obviously not out now as you can tell. The sun is not out, I'm out of the sun. I have a viewer! Hi, Facebook Live! You're my old... oh, he got scared right away! I had one viewer, one view on this pathetic little Facebook Live account. That's so cute.
Mission Impossible: Breakup Edition
It’s all right, nobody's watching, so I can just do whatever the fuck I want right now. At least 20 minutes before authorities are alerted. I think 20 minutes about is about the time it takes for Facebook Live to post anything of significant value to the internet for the authorities to find in case they're watching, in case the Facebook is watching. Nobody's watching right now... see, that's one. Oh, Matthew! That was probably my boyfriend like trying to figure out what the fuck I'm doing. Yeah, but it's the truck terminal. So anyways, Matthew Gutierrez is mad at me because... baby, I'm sorry. I think that is you watching. It is you! You're staying online, you're the only person online, Matthew. I know it's you! Oh, there's one more! This must be the cop on Facebook who's going to truck me down here. All right, so I have about 20 sec... 20 minutes to get to this route, they'll... okay, there's one mission here. This is think of this like Mission Impossible: Breakup... you know, Mission Impossible: Breakup Edition in small letters. So just to remind our viewers of where we are here, I am in the middle... I'm sorry, I picked my... oh, sorry, we'll edit that out. We are in the middle of a little crisis, a little family crisis. Not to be worried, because normally I don't like to open family crisis to outside intervention, 'cause... yeah, it's just... the phone is like telling me different signals here."
Paranoia, Homeless Cameo, & Announcements
So as you can see, Facebook, a black van has pulled behind me for a reason that I shall remain unnamed. They're just getting out. I think they're just bougie Chase people. We're at the Chase parking lot after all, so these are just bougie Chase people getting the money and getting on with the day. So me on the other hand, I'm in the Chase parking lot because I used to be bougie, so I'm on good terms with Chase for now. So they're okay with me sitting in the parking lot for 20 minutes to smoke some weed on Facebook Live y'all, 'cause it's raining. Nobody's going to care that I'm smoking weed. Y'all are out there worrying too much about weed, worrying too much about me being gay, worried too much about me being, you know, crazy sometimes, you know. And Mickey knows—Mickey's got a camera. Oh my god, sorry, edit that out! Fourth wall violation, this is exhausting! Anyways, this is the... hi, Facebook Live again! We have four viewers... again four, three, three... we have three, four... it's somewhere between three and let's call it... let's call it three to four. And if we ask Donald Trump, it's going to be a million! Three to four million viewers I got on Facebook Live! And there's a fucking... there's a bicycle pulled over next door. What the fuck is going on here? Why is this guy stopping by my car? My god, this would be fun if like I actually had to... if I got shot in the rain in Portland by a homeless guy and like somebody had to call 911 for me, but it's Facebook Live, it's happening in real time. So in theory that could happen! In theory this whole project could sort of save my life, like I need to be saved. He's all right, he's just a homeless guy in Portland. Anyways, Portland is so chill with things like, you know, you can smoke weed in your car... smoke your vape in your car without getting shot. Can't do that in some cities in the US anymore. Anyways, you can just do shit that you want to do like, you know, like we used to do in America. Oh my god, I got to go, sorry! So Facebook Land, I have a big announcement to make at the conclusion of the broadcast. I want to... Facebook Live, I have a big announcement to make at the conclusion of the broadcast. In fact, it's a conclusion... it's an announcement that's so big it'll blow your socks off! It'll make the world stop in Shia and Tissa!"
Positive Feedback and Prayer
So anyways, for you guys listening, I'm just motioning for our hearing-impaired crowd, motioning some. So it's good to establish a communication plan for our viewers here, for those that are differently abled. So I know me, I put closed captions on my podcasts, I rely on closed captions because I always... I never understand what the fuck people are trying to say in movies, if that makes any sense, Facebook Land. I don't know if that makes any sense. Give me a like if anybody... give me a fucking hallelujah amen here, kids, all right? If you like what you hear and say, just like me on Facebook, snap your fingers, whatever you want there. Actually, there needs to be a Facebook signal for like an 'oh snap!', like 'oh snap, that was a good point and I liked it!' It's kind of like in magnitude to a like, it would be times 1.5, times 1.5. So if you like what you... oh, thank you! Somebody likes it! He likes it! See, every time you like a post of mine, I'll get some positive feedback. Yeah, I like that too. It's nice to get some positive feedback for your thoughts and queries and stuff. So if you like what I'm saying and if you agree with it, yes, like it, like it! Like you know, like me on Facebook and stuff, you know, like, like... see, there we go! Oh, that one doesn't have a face to it, that might have been Facebook speaking to us, you know, like the pulse of Facebook letting you know it's still alive. So speaking of making sure things are left alive, I need to go see my boyfriend! Oh, that was a good segue, haha! Thank you! See, I have this little standup routine that I prepared for the Facebook Live. You guys will love it, as I love it! Love it, love it, love me everywhere, love me all over the place! See that love, just put yourself away when you're done, that's all. What's after the love actually? What's the reaction after the love? Can somebody tell me? No, silence. Silence means be quiet. There should be a 'silence means be quiet' reaction on Facebook, that's kind of funny. Oh wow, okay. 'Wow' is the next one. Sad, wow, oh wow, sad, wow, wow, wow... that was a whole fucking litany of... it's like an SOS signal, that's kind of funny. It's like how they did it before in the old times, SOS. So laugh, haha, like oh wow, angry, angry... oh my god, God is Facebook! It's probably Facebook telling me to hurry the fuck up! All right, so anyways, this is how I pray too, mind you. Oh my god, it's a mess, it's a debacle, it's a shackle. I pray like this too, and I only pray when shit hits the fan, so it's a rare glimpse that God never gets into my life. So in case God's listening, actually God's on Facebook... oh my god, wouldn't that be fun if God actually responded to me on Facebook? There is a God on Facebook y'all, and he's a pretty chill God. We should come up with a church about this God on Facebook y'all, just like his page 'cause he's a good God."
Special Guests
So I know sometimes I don't... oh hi, Ben! Ben Almeida, everybody say hello to Ben Almeida! He is a first time... I think first time commenter on the Mike George show. Uh, 'but the doll behind me'... love, oh I used to have a doll behind me and it was called Matthew Gutierrez. I was more behind him usually, I was usually his doll. Well, we were each other's dolls, you know. Anyways, sad, sad note. Oh, Joel! Thank you, Joel Columbus, everybody! Thank you very much! Mickey Mouse, everybody! Yeah, it's Mickey Mouse, actually it's Sorcerer Mickey. Sorcerer Mickey... so if anybody remembers Sorcerer... I can't even say that as a white Asian person. Sorcerer Mickey... all right, that's not as good as Margaret Cho, obviously. She has a good Asian accent, I just kind of do the fucking... I just do it to get me paid like maybe five bucks a show, you know? Anyways, I have some standup comedian friends out there amongst the five possible viewers that we have, and standup comedians bring life to my day. You can't say anything on Facebook anymore, so that's funny, at least that's materially funny. And so sometimes Facebook just like quashes all the good funniness, all the good hilarity out of my life. I'm sure it does the same thing for you too, guys. Can I get an amen? I love the camera angle to this actually, 'cause that way I can still see behind me and you all can see what's going on behind me if there's a cop that shows up and pulls me over. Yeah, it's good, and plus we got Mickey, and know that he's... at least if Mickey's listening to me, we'll all know that we're good. I don't think anybody generally listens to anything I fucking say, especially not my boyfriend. I try to communicate things in non-verbal terms for him, 'cause you got to do everything non-verbally as well as verbally, I mean. Boy, Ryan Thurman, hello! Hello from Dayton, Ohio! Dayton, Ryan Thurman, tell us where you're from, Ryan! Y'all should post the name of the city that you're in right now, because it gets confusing to keep up with where everybody is sometimes, you know, in life. I think he's in Port... no, he's in Dayton, he's in Dayton, Ohio. Ryan Thurman, hi Dayton, hi Ryan, hi Ryan baby! Hello Dayton, hello Dayton! I'm... oh, Kentucky! Oh my god, thank you, you live in Kentucky, that's awesome! Ryan boy, you know I live in Kentucky... I know, Ryan, I do, I know you live in Kentucky, girl. It's a struggle out there in Kentucky. Ben, 'I'm like Victoria fucking BC.' Are you serious? Wow, oh my god, that's amazing! Ben, thank you for joining us all the way from Victoria, BC! It's probably raining even harder up there in Victoria, BC. Anyways, I got to charge my phone real quick, okay? So we're going to go on a little adventure here, Facebook Live, you and me and possibly Matthew, okay? So I want Matthew to find out this really big day that's happened to me, and I think I can do it in the form of a really cheeky Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes. 'Bangkok', Joel Columbus says Bangkok. I'm not going to Bangkok, honey, I have $16 in my bank account right now! There's going to be no banging of Bangkok in the present future! So anyways, just so y'all know in Facebook Land, maybe you're guys that are in a position to help me here, I have a GoFundMe page. I'm not trying to advertise it at all on this thing, think of it as a paid sponsorship for myself. I'm going to paid-sponsor myself on Facebook, take a little bit and talk about the money situation now. I need a lot. Aunt Tilda needs a lot of smokes before she can start talking about money, okay? So it's going to be quick and easy, but not long-lasting as to invite trouble, okay? Aunt needs a break, it's been a long long long long long day. Anyways, sorry, that was paused for effect. So anyways, as a safety moment... I think that was a seven-minute safety moment if you will, but I'm going to conclude the safety moment with the glasses. But I think Joel Columbus has joined us from Bangkok, I just read his last line and reprocessed it and he's in Bangkok! Wow, Joel, thank you for joining us in Facebook Land from Bangkok! What the fuck are you doing on Facebook, first of all, in Bangkok? Okay, if you're in Bangkok, baby, you got to bang the fucking cock and get the fuck off of Facebook, man! Can I get an amen? And he wasn't flaws, come on, have me some canned laughter here, come on, use the likes and shit, push the buttons on the phone if you like what I'm saying. If you don't like what I'm saying, just don't listen, you know, you can listen to me as you will. I have five people listening to me, so I got y'all on my back, girl. Thank you, Joel, thank you, thank you, Joel! I got you on my back. See Joel, everybody, Joel Columbus everyone, he's been a VIP for this show for a long time. He's been a viewer, he's been a long-time viewer, he watched me in the 30th birthday party actually, he made an appearance on... oh my god, 'tell a joke'! Okay, I'm talking too much. Ben Almeida, everyone! Ah, all right, so joke time: what do you get when you get a weed smoker and stick him in Portland with a bunch of interesting stimuli around him going on? You get a bunch of ADD, right? You get a lot of ADD, can I get an amen? Get an amen, yeah! So when you're in ADD land and drug land, as I call it... Viceland if you will..."
Asian Accents & Standup
Viceland looks like some real serious shit. I don't get into those types of drugs, honey, I get into marijuana, cannabis if you will, or what the kids call it I think is ganja, ganja. Oh my god, I'm running out of gas here, I have 40 miles left to go! I'm going to fucking... no, I know not every Portlander smokes.
I know not every Portlander smokes weed, I know, but a good enough threshold of them do where it's just like commonly available and acceptable in the city. So it's really nice in that way, in that regard, because and that's why I'm happy here to be honest, and I think that's why Victoria people are happy too, Victorians in BC.
It's like the old Victorian age, you know? Oh, I actually really need to come up to Victoria one time sometime. I went there one time a long time ago on an airplane ride, on a 7-hour, a 9-hour airplane ride. Oh my god, a 9-hour airplane ride... 9 hours isn't terrible.
Oh, thank you, Ben! Okay, Ben's keeping me on focus, everybody. Ben's like my producer here. Can you just be my producer, Ben, if I actually make this show something interesting? So Ben is a fellow Steubenville High School alumnus, Class of 2003. See, I can stalk people on Facebook just like you can stalk me, you know, that's good. So, looks like she needs stocks a little bit... no, she's got a... she does have a nice butt, that woman has a nice butt. I should give her a nice butt compliment. I mean, it'll be a Facebook Live, so like she'll be like... there'll be somewhere in the internet there'll be a video of her butt getting complimented! And if anybody has footage of a video of somebody complimenting my butt, send it over to me! You can even put it on Facebook Live, I don't give a fuck, I already... see, I'm over this like paranoia of being videotaped. Yeah, oh, '10 minutes security at Vic airport'? Oh, you're at Vic airport, Ben! Where do you live now if not Victoria? I think he's probably traveling to Victoria for work, I'm assuming.
Anyways, think about that for a second while I get my smokes, okay? Aunt Tilda's still been hanging out for a smoke, she's not going to go away unless we get her a smoke, god damn.
Anyways, I think my boyfriend's waiting for me, so I should actually drive while posting. Vic... what's Vic? Victoria, BC? Yeah, you said Victoria, BC. Yeah, Vic... I said I know what you're talking about, I know. Oh, that's where you live! That's where you live is Victoria, BC, I understand now. Victoria, BC, that's awesome! Victoria is a great place. I've been there once after... Canadian wife? Is she Asian? Please tell me you have an Asian Canadian wife, 'cause you are in Vancouver after Vic... Victoria after all, and got like... they got Asian people everywhere there. Asians and hippies, hippies and Asians, that's pretty much what makes British Columbia amazing—hippies and Asians! You're lucky if you're lucky to get a hippie Asian, a hip Asian! Oh no, what's the ethnicity of your wife? I mean, I know she's Canadian, but what's her ethnicity? You don't have to tell me, that's kind of a weird question to ask about, but I'm just trying to make conversation, straight people conversation, you know! Absolutely, Vancouver is Asian all the fucking way! I think it's more Asian than San Francisco, and everybody thinks San Francisco is Asian, or Seattle, you know. Seattle and San Francisco, old people in tech. I love old people in tech actually, Ben Almeida! Old people in tech actually still have a place in the economy because technology needs support focus groups, they need like... what do you call them, test pilots? What do you call it, the focus people, you know, people that test out new technologies to make sure they're safe and reliable, and you know... mean old people! Yes, mean old people, like Trump supporters, like mean old people. They're not usually mean, they're usually passive-aggressively mean. They're usually nice to your face, at least they're nice to your face enough to tell you that they're voting for Hillary Clinton when they're going to vote for Donald Trump, just saying! Nah, they probably don't have those in British Columbia though, so they probably shipped them all down to Florida. But Aunt Gail's down there, everybody say hello to Aunt Gail! Gail George. Christy Kanega she dumped me from Facebook the other day, I was getting to be a bit much in Facebook Land. So anyways, Facebook Land, we're going to capture that moment later, but Aunt Tilda has been dying here. I mean, I've been vaping and stuff, but I've also been vaping and talking, and I want to hear more from you, Facebook Land, about what's going on in your day.
So we have four... three people. See, I already lost somebody because they didn't want to talk about their problems. That's what happens in suicide too, you lose somebody because they don't want to talk about your problems. We got five people! Somebody was thinking about suicide and just didn't quite make it over the hump. Six people making it over the hump today, six! All right, that's kind of like the six voice... oh, five, we've lost a voice!
All right, we've lost a caller here. So Ben Almeida, you're on deck, I got a smoke, so you keep everybody entertained with your jokes. I know you don't think of my jokes as jokes, but they'll have to do, because I'm driving and shit, so y'all can't hear real jokes from me while I'm driving, 'cause that's like dangerous. And that's a safety moment that y'all should make... oh my god, I even got my safety glasses on! It's a safety moment brought to you by Vaporesso! Nobody wants to wreck with a vape next to them, because these things got batteries in them! Actually, that's the fucking... let me do a safety contact about the battery in this overall. It's a pretty good battery, I wouldn't deny its safety factor. Anyways, I'm sorry, Facebook Land, I've been talking and talking and talking and I haven't been listening to you tell me your problems. Facebook Land, what a... it's a Tuesday afternoon in Portland, it's a rainy shitty day. What is your... I mean, what is your solution? I already have a solution to my problems at least, and part of that solution is incorporating into Facebook what my problems are yesterday. Because after all, Facebook Land, if you can't love yourself... somebody type out the message, I'm going to go smoke.
But yeah, if you can't love yourself, you know the rest of the line, because it's on there somewhere. Just search for it, search for it! We can play a game here, search for it on Google, yell it out on Facebook Land if you know the answer! If you know the answer, you win a free possible chance for, you know, a free trip to Portland! So there's a chance to win, so you got to go to my GoFundMe page to find out more about the chance to win a free trip to Portland! Oh, isn't that... that's that Portland lady there, she I think saw me kind of talking to my phone and was like, 'Oh my god, this bitch!' So anyways, I got to smoke real quick and then we will be right back from Facebook Land! Live from Portland, this is Mike George.
