Breakfast with Leah

Mike spends a lovely morning enjoying breakfast with his friend Leah in Portland.

Good morning, this is Mike George reporting live from Leah Paul’s lovely apartment. I just made it back to Portland late last night, and look who greeted me…

Hi, Cosmo! What big paws you have, buddy.

Leah: (Off-camera)
You're ruining the moment, Mike.

Mike:
We’re just getting ready for breakfast in the magical city of Portlandia, specifically the Pearl extension where the rich folks live. Even if we’re all “poor” on the inside, yoga pants and beards can hide a lot, right? Speaking of beards, how does this look for my interview? Should I shave or keep it?

Leah:
I like it! I think it makes you look older and more mature.

Mike:
Okay, I'll try it. Oh, look, Alan Draper and Joseph Visco Benu are online. How are "yenz’s" days going? I know, that’s total Pittsburgh street talk, but it’s a great gender-neutral second-person plural. Anyway, we’re heading to my favorite place: Valitzia.

Leah:
I could go there forever.

Mike:
It’s about 9:00, which is early for me. I'm hoping they have some of that good Italian coffee and those fancy espresso machines. Actually, it’s a beautiful morning. Imagine if I caught a car running into me on Facebook Live right now—could the viewers be used as legal witnesses?

Leah:
That’s an interesting legal question. I think they’d have to watch it while it’s actually live to be witnesses. Otherwise, it’s just like detectives looking at security surveillance footage after the fact; they don’t become witnesses to the crime.

Mike:
True. Oh, we’re here! Let’s sit in the sun. I’m going to put the phone in my pocket for a second, so I don’t look sketchy walking into a business with a camera on.

(Sounds of Mike talking to the hostess, asking for a table for two in the sun and ordering water.)

Mike: (Back to the camera)
I’m still alive! I just didn't want the staff to think I was doing some investigative report on "Salmonella Restaurant" or something.

Leah:
I’m so excited to eat. Look at this menu—full espresso bar. I think I might get a mimosa. Or maybe sangria, since it’s a dollar cheaper.

Mike:
Oh man, I can’t do alcohol this early; I’d be passed out by 11:00 AM. I still need to find a tie later for the car—wait, I mean buy a tie, not the car.

Leah: (Sighs)
I’m starting to feel sick. My best friend Abner got me sick. I’m so mad at him right now.

Mike:
Easy now, we’re live! Don’t tell the internet you’re going to murder your best friend. Anyway, back to the beard—you’re sure I should keep it?

Leah:
Yeah, I like it. I’m going to order the Tuscan Farm Scramble.

Mike:
That sounds good, I’ll get that too. And some coffee. Or as the joke goes, some "covfefe".

(The waitress arrives to take their order. Leah orders the scramble and a caramel latte with cinnamon. Mike orders the Vienna Wagon and coffee with cream and sugar, making his "covfefe" joke.)

Mike: (To Leah)
Well, that joke was poorly received. She was definitely in "let me just do my job" mode. It’s a little too early for my nonsense.

Leah:
It’s early for everyone.

Mike:
Alright, Facebook Live, we’re going to let you go now. We need to eat, concentrate, and maybe bitch about politics offline without you all distracting us. From Portland, this is Mike and Leah. Tata for now!